All Hail the Great and Powerful Gob

I am not an atheist.

I am not a Christian. Actually, I am a recovering Catholic.

I am not religious in anyway. Actually, I hate religion, and what it has done, and continues to do to our humanity, to our world.

I believe in miracles.

But do I believe in God? That, I have yet to figure out.

Here's the thing, the religious god fearing people think they have all the answers. The irony loving intellectual atheists know they the answers, and that the religious are idiots. Why does it have to be one or the other? I admire the believers ability to believe. Faith must be a beautiful thing to feel. There is little I have undying belief in. As for the atheists, I get it, but I don't see why they have to spit on everyone else's security. And I'm not talking about religion. I definitely see the purpose in debunking all organized religions, but what I don't understand is trashing another person's faith, they're spirituality.

For a long time I was afraid to not believe in god. I was afraid not to pray, not to say thanks, in case he decided to smite me for my lack of appreciation. At church on Sunday, after communion, in the part when everyone knelt or sat quietly until everyone had taken the host, I would kneel withe eyes pressed shut, gripping my hands, and I would thank god for my family. I thanked god for my home, for my life, for my dog, for my friends, for my cat. I thanked him until I was pleased I thanked him enough. I didn't do it because I thought he should be thanked, but because I thought he would take it all away if I didn't. If I didn't love him enough, fear him enough, believe in him enough my world as I knew it would cease to exist. When I think of it now, he was the "Godfather," and I had to show my respect.

Once I got out of Catholic school and went to college I realized how ridiculous it all was. I denounced Catholicism (as I think all people should), and denounced any idea of a god. My distaste for all things religious, spiritual, and godly was my new belief. I argued with my very religious family on church doctrine like their stance on birth control, gays, and women priests. I laughed when they invited me to church. If someone said, "I'll pray for you," or asked me to pray for them, I would squirm and give some half audible response. And the mention of Jesus was even worse. If anyone mentioned either character my palms would sweat, and I would have to quickly leave the conversation.Where before I was afraid to not believe in god, now I was afraid to believe in him.

Now-a-days, I'm not so militant, or angry. Now-a-days, I'm not really sure what I believe. As I meet more and more atheists, the more and more I realize they I am not like them. I want to believe that their is something spiritual about the world. I want to believe in the spirituality of great love, despair, the sun rising, a flower blooming, a good laugh. I just can't believe it is all random and meaningless. There is a connection between all of us and all things. I believe that. Does that mean I believe in god? I'm not sure, but I'm not going to be afraid to explore the idea of god anymore.